What happens...

when all you really care about is art?

and revelry?

and love?

I am someone else.
I am the same.
I am different...
from who I was back then.
Back when?
When I had you...
When I lost you...

Everything is so transparent when you look at it
after it's gone.

I wish I could control myself.
I wish I could let go of this fear
of being loved.
of believing in love.
of having you...
of you having me...

Will you teach me?
How to love you?
I can't do this alone.

It has been a while, friends.

It is Summer and it is glorious.

The trees are green,
the flowers blooming.
But I do not think it is just the weather that is making me feel so....
brand new.

ew

ew.
ew.
ew.
ew.

it's all over.

fashion of 2009

what characterized 2009...

stripes.
high waisted, short, poofy skirts.
glasses.
booties.
short hair.
long, bohemian hair.
messy hair.
blunt bangs.
black,
white,
navy,
red.
tights.
leather jackets, shoes, and bags.
boots.
old man esque shoes.

this is not about love

i wake to darkness
crawl out of my messy bed
and bid my adieus.

i dress... shoes, shorts, shirt
early the gym is empty
walk, run, bike, stretch out.

a long, hot shower
big day of judgment ahead
not sure i'm ready.

today means a year has past

since i decided to let sterling in.


a year...
a year full of joys and smiles. a year getting to really know a person inside and out. a year without promises or plans. a year without very much art. a year without very much angst. a year full of creation. a year of bike rides and long boarding. a year of pakalolo. a year of being a mama and a papa to a kitty cat. a year of building trust. a year of finding love.

Bonjour mi cheri, How are you this cloudy day?
I am, well, behind.

I had the best Valentines day I have ever had, by far, with my amiet.

 

 xoxo.

also, 2/12/10

the year anniversary of when 

we met each other.

this is how i am.

 

twelve twenty-five

it is christmas.
a supposed event... that i have decided [to me] means family. and nostalgia. love, friendship, and most of all [again..] family.

family.

family... all those that i love, really.
all those blood and legally bound.
all those who have influenced and shaped me. who care about me.
those whom i feel that if they feel, they deserve for me to.. feel back.
....

i  am watching 'the christmas story', and it is 3:40 am in hawaii tonight.

geisha me love.

 

PSYCHOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH

people should call their children by what they are doing at that moment, rather then a name, for there first 4 years. 
these children will grow up identifying with their actions rather then a series of sounds.

these children will gain a fundamental understanding of the relationship between them and their interaction with the world. 

okay, bye now.

match me if you can.

Today is definitely a Wednesday.

I am starting a garden in my room. To start it off I bought three yellow lily plants and an aloe vera plant, which I placed on a shelf under my windowsill.

LIVE LIVE LIVE!!!

this is the way I need to wake.
open my eyes, i see sky.

today I will:
go to class at 11,
I will attend the public discussion about a health reform  at 6.
in between I will clean,
I will dance,
and I will sing.
Afterwards, I will throw jack-o-lanterns off of a bridge
with Jai and Amiet,
and then we will frolic and choose to abandon "Movie Night"
because we have decided!
to no longer spend all of our time as tele-zombies (even when planned.)
and instead! We will live,
live,
live.

i sit here.
amiet is asleep, takisan purring beside me.
and yet i search for more,
inevitably him.
_____________________________________________________

all i want to do is travel, attend a variety of universities, and learn about the history of art.

it is 3:14 am in Provo, Utah

My stomach is churning.
and my brain is fried from all the studying and awake-ness.
my body aches. especially my head.
i enjoy being so clean and organized lately,
but tonight i got inspired.
and driven to complete this piece! i could not find materials.
i did not have memorabilia 
and collected magazines and
materials to console.
i couldnt find my pastels or charcoal.
and so i was left to express myself via blog.
=/


knowledge is whirling around my brain.
errruughhhhhh...

 soundtrack of the month:

breakable: ingrid michaelson

transatlanticism: death cab for cutie

passenger seat: death cab for cutie

the chain: ingrid michaelson

i will follow you into the dark: death cab for cutie

winter song: ingrid michaelson and sara bareilles

sould meets body: death cab for cutie

speeding cars: imogen heap.

i am listening to bonobo.. mmm delicious....

i accidentally slept in today and missed my first class. i enjoy being a favorite of the teacher, but not so much when they always notice if i am there or not.... dang it....
soo i will work on my art history homework and do laundry until my second class at eleven.
i am wearing my new favorite item, a jersey floral dress; cream, orange, purple, green, and red. mm....

i dont know what to be for halloween!
what do you think?
little boy?
zombie?
zombie ballerina?

i like the zombie idea because i want to wear a ton of make up and look all dead.
oo! yesterday i got two fabulous tutu's from claires. yay!

i want to be selfish

i want to to live in a place like San Francisco
and be able to afford coffee every morning.
i want to dress in adorable put together outfits that i haven't had for at least four years.
i want loads of socks.
i want printed tights.
i want oil paint and gesso and canvas.
i want a chamou and the blackest of black charcoal
i want frames designed
just
for
me.
i want organization
and the confidence
to let go of
all of these things.
i want to be able to fly here and there
and see you every weekend.
i want to live in a shared apartment with different people, that i also
love and care about.
i want you then, and now.
i want fairy figurines galore
i want to re-decorate
i want to be brilliant
i want to succeed
i want to be happy just being.
i want to read and read and read whatever i want to.
i want to understand, or be okay with not understanding.
i want the peaks to become more familiar and consistent then the valleys.
i want a real human connection that doesn't scare the shit out of me, that doesnt come with any
strings that make it hurt
so
bad when they [or i] leave.
i want simplicity.
i want simple joy.
i want simple love.
i want simple relationships.
i want to be simply satisfied.
i want to want a simple means and simple end.
i want OUT of this cycle of me.
i want to be put together at all times.
i want long fucking hair.
i want to be taken care of.
i want to be worth something to society in the end.
i want to be able to hear colors.
i want to be gifted and recognized.
i want to fix everything with everyone and be able to really tell or show you how i feel, how you've affected me, and how much i utterly love you.
i want to be 15 again.
i want to be able to not fear these things, because it hasnt yet come time to face them.
i want to be selfish.