what i am becoming is not who i want to be. i need to leave this place....

i can't become this person.

judgment and hate is not me.

paumé

listening to:

"lifechanging"

i do not want to repeat the mistakes of my past.. (succumbing to the hopeless girl i label myself with- as a result of my repeated weakness to instinct).

but i also do not want to form walls and restrictions for myself and miss something important. 

is this my chance to exercise freewill and prove my bad faith.. wrong?

or

would i be making a huge mistake by letting this opportunity go?

i missed this stirring in my soul.

Lately I have been having frequent waves of feelings from the past; that seem to consume most, if not all, of me for brief moments in time.

It may be because the seasons are changing, summers in Utah have always been life altering.

It may be just because I need this reminder, this stirring in my soul, to awaken my need for survival.

Whatever it is, John Mayor, trebuchet, the absence of closet doors, and a twin bed is adding quite a bit to these deja vu moments. hah!

The beautiful paradox of being a human being.

listening to: ben harper.

Do we have free will? If you believe that every event has/had a cause (which is sort of irrefutable)

then really you never choose/chose anything. Everything that has and will happen 

happens as a result of a previous event, which goes back to the very beginning of time!

The past (environment and previous events) determines the future, so where does free will fit in?

The only way to acquire free will is through self awareness. By reflecting upon oneself and ones actions, you take part in the results. You become a part of the cause that leads to the effect!

listening to: pink floyd.

i am falling apart.

and i am starting to think that i am addicted to this feeling. this hollow pain between my eyes, and your cursed words that send me reeling.

gahh! i wish i could control myself somuch more. i wish i could sleep when i want to, and stop thinking about you when i need to.

i really need to.

we keep the beer bong with the tupperware for convenience purposes.

grrreat.

i finally lay the foundations for a good, long lasting friendship,

and the mo' fo' goes to jail.

BOO!

i went to Virginia to visit the Glad-Gonzalez clan, it was amazing, as usual. 

it always goes the same, 

i start off not wanting to tear my roots up and travel to see them. 

i get there and end up bathing in love and having a great time and 

fitting

right

in.

i get emotional that i missed out on this and/or that

i start to resent certain people,

and then i get over it.

and then i am sad and i bid my goodbyes and i get back to my residence

and miss them.

listening to:

blues traveler.

shhhhh

darling,

you could ruin this.

it is february eighth.

and i am... uninspired.

listening to:

cold war kids.

ronnie day.

how am i?

alright i suppose.... i desperately need new tires or soon i will absolutely perish.

lately ive been feeling all a blur.. unsure of whether or not i am excited for the future or just trying to put each day behind me.

(do you believe in what you see?)

i went to mormon church for the first time this past sunday con mis amigos. it was interesting... everyone spoke of their faith as knowledge 

(to represent how secure it is), 

and that got me every time.

"I know that the book of mormon is truth." 

"I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet." 

they know! how can anyone really know of anything? for fuck's sake, i could go on about how i am not entirely sure that i am sitting on the chair i see and feel beneath me

r i g h t  n o w .

it also made me miss Unity all the more, and so i plan to venture to SLC and attend the Unity Church there next Sunday morning... my first attendance to a Unity Church outside of Hawaii!

verry curious..

hah!

xoxo.

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