i am listening to bonobo.. mmm delicious....

i accidentally slept in today and missed my first class. i enjoy being a favorite of the teacher, but not so much when they always notice if i am there or not.... dang it....
soo i will work on my art history homework and do laundry until my second class at eleven.
i am wearing my new favorite item, a jersey floral dress; cream, orange, purple, green, and red. mm....

i dont know what to be for halloween!
what do you think?
little boy?
zombie?
zombie ballerina?

i like the zombie idea because i want to wear a ton of make up and look all dead.
oo! yesterday i got two fabulous tutu's from claires. yay!

i want to be selfish

i want to to live in a place like San Francisco
and be able to afford coffee every morning.
i want to dress in adorable put together outfits that i haven't had for at least four years.
i want loads of socks.
i want printed tights.
i want oil paint and gesso and canvas.
i want a chamou and the blackest of black charcoal
i want frames designed
just
for
me.
i want organization
and the confidence
to let go of
all of these things.
i want to be able to fly here and there
and see you every weekend.
i want to live in a shared apartment with different people, that i also
love and care about.
i want you then, and now.
i want fairy figurines galore
i want to re-decorate
i want to be brilliant
i want to succeed
i want to be happy just being.
i want to read and read and read whatever i want to.
i want to understand, or be okay with not understanding.
i want the peaks to become more familiar and consistent then the valleys.
i want a real human connection that doesn't scare the shit out of me, that doesnt come with any
strings that make it hurt
so
bad when they [or i] leave.
i want simplicity.
i want simple joy.
i want simple love.
i want simple relationships.
i want to be simply satisfied.
i want to want a simple means and simple end.
i want OUT of this cycle of me.
i want to be put together at all times.
i want long fucking hair.
i want to be taken care of.
i want to be worth something to society in the end.
i want to be able to hear colors.
i want to be gifted and recognized.
i want to fix everything with everyone and be able to really tell or show you how i feel, how you've affected me, and how much i utterly love you.
i want to be 15 again.
i want to be able to not fear these things, because it hasnt yet come time to face them.
i want to be selfish.