i am listening to bonobo.. mmm delicious....

i accidentally slept in today and missed my first class. i enjoy being a favorite of the teacher, but not so much when they always notice if i am there or not.... dang it....
soo i will work on my art history homework and do laundry until my second class at eleven.
i am wearing my new favorite item, a jersey floral dress; cream, orange, purple, green, and red. mm....

i dont know what to be for halloween!
what do you think?
little boy?
zombie?
zombie ballerina?

i like the zombie idea because i want to wear a ton of make up and look all dead.
oo! yesterday i got two fabulous tutu's from claires. yay!

i want to be selfish

i want to to live in a place like San Francisco
and be able to afford coffee every morning.
i want to dress in adorable put together outfits that i haven't had for at least four years.
i want loads of socks.
i want printed tights.
i want oil paint and gesso and canvas.
i want a chamou and the blackest of black charcoal
i want frames designed
just
for
me.
i want organization
and the confidence
to let go of
all of these things.
i want to be able to fly here and there
and see you every weekend.
i want to live in a shared apartment with different people, that i also
love and care about.
i want you then, and now.
i want fairy figurines galore
i want to re-decorate
i want to be brilliant
i want to succeed
i want to be happy just being.
i want to read and read and read whatever i want to.
i want to understand, or be okay with not understanding.
i want the peaks to become more familiar and consistent then the valleys.
i want a real human connection that doesn't scare the shit out of me, that doesnt come with any
strings that make it hurt
so
bad when they [or i] leave.
i want simplicity.
i want simple joy.
i want simple love.
i want simple relationships.
i want to be simply satisfied.
i want to want a simple means and simple end.
i want OUT of this cycle of me.
i want to be put together at all times.
i want long fucking hair.
i want to be taken care of.
i want to be worth something to society in the end.
i want to be able to hear colors.
i want to be gifted and recognized.
i want to fix everything with everyone and be able to really tell or show you how i feel, how you've affected me, and how much i utterly love you.
i want to be 15 again.
i want to be able to not fear these things, because it hasnt yet come time to face them.
i want to be selfish.

the night is ancient

and yet, my lungs 

are still filled with liquid.

and my throat,

my throat yearns to breathe.

i cannot willingly twitch a finger,

let alone take this fall

and feel....

justice. 

it is my birthday

and i suppose i am officially nineteen.

i 

(not because of the mark that is today, but because of my witness of life as of yet) 

clearly have an understanding of my past; have learned enough to piece together a currant understanding of my present; and have hopefully obtained the bravery to go forth into my future.

everyone currently within 2285 is is asleep, and i continue, after all these years of introspection, to feel unrecognized.

i enjoy this.

this birthday.... tradition.

of wallowing in my loneliness.

i wonder why that it?

it all seems so rehearsed,

another year.

another dictated amount of "time" to determine what my life means.

awwesome.

this is me, at my most honest.

one might say most weak,

one might say at my bravest.

say anything, because i've heard everything.

i realize my place in time and space, and i accept the possibilities, the is, and the what, for all it was, is and could be.

and yet i find a non-resolution with this place.

i am listening to the moldy peaches. this is the most honest blog i have ever posted, i am drunk, i am with (and at the same time miss) nene. 

i am julia sanders, 

and today i....

avoided work diversion with excuses. created two works of art. smoked. finished two books. disregarded someone i love. and am now spending time with the person i  most care about.

xoxo

j

caught in the in between.

i am.... in limbo,

floating in a mist of grey.

it feels that

only the echos of my laughter 

produce any sort of authenticity 

anymore.

bang,

bang. 

that aweful sound.

what i am becoming is not who i want to be. i need to leave this place....

i can't become this person.

judgment and hate is not me.

paumé

listening to:

"lifechanging"

i do not want to repeat the mistakes of my past.. (succumbing to the hopeless girl i label myself with- as a result of my repeated weakness to instinct).

but i also do not want to form walls and restrictions for myself and miss something important. 

is this my chance to exercise freewill and prove my bad faith.. wrong?

or

would i be making a huge mistake by letting this opportunity go?