i realize my place in time and space, and i accept the possibilities, the is, and the what, for all it was, is and could be.

and yet i find a non-resolution with this place.

i am listening to the moldy peaches. this is the most honest blog i have ever posted, i am drunk, i am with (and at the same time miss) nene. 

i am julia sanders, 

and today i....

avoided work diversion with excuses. created two works of art. smoked. finished two books. disregarded someone i love. and am now spending time with the person i  most care about.

xoxo

j

caught in the in between.

i am.... in limbo,

floating in a mist of grey.

it feels that

only the echos of my laughter 

produce any sort of authenticity 

anymore.

bang,

bang. 

that aweful sound.

what i am becoming is not who i want to be. i need to leave this place....

i can't become this person.

judgment and hate is not me.

paumé

listening to:

"lifechanging"

i do not want to repeat the mistakes of my past.. (succumbing to the hopeless girl i label myself with- as a result of my repeated weakness to instinct).

but i also do not want to form walls and restrictions for myself and miss something important. 

is this my chance to exercise freewill and prove my bad faith.. wrong?

or

would i be making a huge mistake by letting this opportunity go?

i missed this stirring in my soul.

Lately I have been having frequent waves of feelings from the past; that seem to consume most, if not all, of me for brief moments in time.

It may be because the seasons are changing, summers in Utah have always been life altering.

It may be just because I need this reminder, this stirring in my soul, to awaken my need for survival.

Whatever it is, John Mayor, trebuchet, the absence of closet doors, and a twin bed is adding quite a bit to these deja vu moments. hah!

The beautiful paradox of being a human being.

listening to: ben harper.

Do we have free will? If you believe that every event has/had a cause (which is sort of irrefutable)

then really you never choose/chose anything. Everything that has and will happen 

happens as a result of a previous event, which goes back to the very beginning of time!

The past (environment and previous events) determines the future, so where does free will fit in?

The only way to acquire free will is through self awareness. By reflecting upon oneself and ones actions, you take part in the results. You become a part of the cause that leads to the effect!

listening to: pink floyd.

i am falling apart.

and i am starting to think that i am addicted to this feeling. this hollow pain between my eyes, and your cursed words that send me reeling.

gahh! i wish i could control myself somuch more. i wish i could sleep when i want to, and stop thinking about you when i need to.

i really need to.

we keep the beer bong with the tupperware for convenience purposes.

grrreat.

i finally lay the foundations for a good, long lasting friendship,

and the mo' fo' goes to jail.

BOO!

i went to Virginia to visit the Glad-Gonzalez clan, it was amazing, as usual. 

it always goes the same, 

i start off not wanting to tear my roots up and travel to see them. 

i get there and end up bathing in love and having a great time and 

fitting

right

in.

i get emotional that i missed out on this and/or that

i start to resent certain people,

and then i get over it.

and then i am sad and i bid my goodbyes and i get back to my residence

and miss them.